Daily Joke contest, September Third 2011

Amtt vd u meed to judge this ome this time

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

LOL!!! xD

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!" [b][i]

Why did the banana go to the doctors?

BECAUSE HE WASN'T PEELING WELL xD

That isn't actually my joke.

This is.


One day in the forest, 3 guys were walking along a trail when to their surprise a tribe of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's house.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his ass without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

ok Santa is in court and the lawyer says "Ill ask you again sir! Did you, or did you not go in front of my client and in a crowded mall in front of her children no once but three times a HO!

...Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk drunk the previous day
1st drunk says i was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks
2nd drunk says Thats nothing! I was so drunk last night i drove home crashed into a tree
kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden
3rd drunk says Thats nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house
threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed
The 1st drunk says I dont think you understood me Chunks is my dog...

Strange?

Yo Mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go. lol

Not very funny but ok.

ukbeat wrote:
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

so so, very OLD!

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“ ’Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin’ all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.

“About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

“Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were dripping out.

“Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.” (sorry that its a story )

That is seriously hilarious. Eli you should win.

ukbeat wrote:My new joke...Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk drunk the previous day
1st drunk says i was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks
2nd drunk says Thats nothing! I was so drunk last night i drove home crashed into a tree
kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden
3rd drunk says Thats nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house
threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed
The 1st drunk says I dont think you understood me Chunks is my dog

Thats Unfair. you've already entered.

Lol. Funny jokes

can u please unban me please

If you're banned, how are you posting?

OMLY JUST ELI CLOSE SECOMD TOM, ELI'S WASMT AAS ORIGIMAL DUT FUMMIER

Awwwwww I should have won, Eli has won three times in a row D:!

tomf10duo wrote:Awwwwww I should have won, Eli has won three times in a row D:!

ik :L just tryimg to judge farely dy the dest joke

tomf10duo wrote:Awwwwww I should have won, Eli has won three times in a row D:!

Shut up, I've seen your Joke in alot of places :3

Unrested wrote:

tomf10duo wrote:Awwwwww I should have won, Eli has won three times in a row D:!

Shut up, I've seen your Joke in alot of places :3

just cause it's old and unoriginal... :p

...eli won again..

He is just too funny.

Unrested, I loooove little Johnny jokes. My friend tells us them.

;D

lolz^^^^^^^^^^^^^

lol

yeah!!